So Chris has a habit of brainstorming what I like to call “novelty vampires,” basically ideas for characters that work well as a joke and work really well for pissing Jason off. He drops these ideas on us periodically, perhaps as a subtle threat in case anything untoward was to happen to Paul like what happened with Carlos….
Anyway, what I hadn’t realized is that his list has been secretly growing and has now reached John Hodgeman-levels of non-sequiturs and ennui. I share them with you now that you all may see what might have been, and what may yet come to pass.
• Overly-dedicated pizza shop owner.
• Crazy super powered crime fighter.
• Crazy super powered crime fighter’s sidekick.
• Chupacabra enthusiast.
• Creepy stalker who has followed his crush for many decades.
• Serial killer who wears ewok costumes.
• Serial killer who wears the skins of his ewok costume-wearing victims.
• Chess master with the yips.
• Soft-hearted Tremere racked with guilt over the terrible things he does for the clan – derangement whereby he releases emotional tension by breaking into houses and rearranging furniture for better Feng Shui.
• A master of Vicissitude who has made himself appear to be a child vampire for sympathy.
• An enormous Nosferatu who roams around the city wearing a cowboy costume – carries a water pistol that looks like an enormous revolver.
• A man of no particular ethnicity who refuses to speak anything but French – his wardrobe is composed of nothing but Facebook swag.
• A brilliant styrofoam artist (unclear if his art is made of styrofoam, or if he is made of styrofoam).
• A vampire who believes he is a ghost and is haunted by a ghost who believes he is a vampire.
• A vampire who wears nothing but body glitter and has a merit allowing him to digest Diet Sprite.
• A vampire who loves strippers but whose beast is provoked by body glitter but has a feeding restriction of “not strippers.”
• A vampire who has a supernatural inability to jaywalk.
• Sterling Archer.
• A woman embraced shortly after giving birth – seeking futilely for her baby.
• A very observant twenty-something man who lives with his parents and claims to be a psychic.
• A vampire who coincidentally says profound things – always leaving an impression of insight and competence; he is actually an idiot.
• A vampire who believes making origami cranes and setting them free in the bay will cleanse him of guilt in the eyes of god (who he believes is a balding forty-four year old named Jerry Smith who lives in a penthouse apartment overlooking the bay – Jerry Smith is massively in debt, is very depressed, and wears nothing but sweatpants).
• A man who is cursed to speak only in Seinfeld quotes.
• A man who replies to all junk mail with a physical letter politely declining the offers.
• A woman who believes her vampirism can be cured by buying a scoop of all flavors of ice cream from every store and shop in San Francisco – she is meticulously clean and hates sticky melted ice cream.
• An illiterate rare book collector who wears pretentious glasses.
• A pirate who becomes nauseated looking down into bodies of water (including puddles and drinking glasses).
Me: “Why is one of them me?”
Chris: “You make an interesting character concept.”
Me: “How so?”
Chris: “A hyper-punctual thirty-something vampire who refuses to drink blood without butter – she writes vampire fanfiction in her spare time.”
Chris: “Has the flaw ‘Mirror Dancer’ – when character sees her own reflection, she must practice belly dance.”
Me: “…I wish I had your perception of people. I’d be a much better writer.”